I wasn’t able to be the mom they wanted or needed me to be because I was spending all my time and energy just keeping the growing pile of ash from suffocating me and my kids.
The word DIVORCE brings to mind two words: Pain and Guilt.
And when you are facing a divorce from a Covert Narcissist you can multiply the impact of those two words by 100. If you also have children with this man, you can go right ahead and multiply by Infinity.
As moms, our main goals in life are to Love, Nurture and Protect our children. Divorce will make it much more “difficult” to achieve those goals. But, when you’re embroiled in a divorce with a Covert Narcissist, those three basic goals become downright impossible.
After a divorce, we face many challenges.
Whether we wanted it or not.
Whether we think we’ll be better off divorcing, rather than staying in a miserable marriage.
Whether we think our kids will be better off living in two separate homes, rather than one where two people are always fighting.
It Doesn’t Matter!!!
Our life and our children’s lives have basically gone through a paper shredder during divorce. We are left with all these scraps and most of our energy is focused on putting back together as many pieces as possible. And we want to do all of this, as quickly as we can. We want to stop all the pain, as fast as we can, and move forward on the road to recovery. Our natural instinct is to fix our children's broken lives.
But, Sweet Mama, I am sorry to say, you will soon realize, this is one of the hardest challenges in your life. And, if your ex is a Covert Narcissist you’re gonna realize he took those shreds of paper and burned them so, now you’re faced with a pile of ash.
Shortly after my divorce, I was very confident in my ability to paste all those shredded pieces back together. I am a perfectionist and was very eager to get started. I knew I could do it and I was determined to do everything I had to do, in order to be the best single mom I could be. I knew it would be hard, my lifestyle was about to change drastically, but I was up to the challenge. I designed a plan of how I could fit those jagged pieces back together into a decent resemblance of a good life for me and my kids.
And then, within weeks of my divorce being finalized, my ex took me back to court.
He broke all of his verbal promises. He disregarded legal orders. He eluded law enforcement. He manipulated the laws that were meant to protect me and my kids, to solely benefit him. He chose a lifestyle that was not healthy for our kids to witness. The separate “home” he was providing for our kids was extremely toxic on many levels. He confused and poisoned our kid’s minds by spinning lies into masked truths.
Suddenly, I was handed a whole new pile of ash. BUT, I hadn’t designed my plan to work with this pile of ash!
I had no idea what to do or even where to begin.
And, my ex just kept creating a bigger and bigger pile. So, even though I was determined to do anything I had to do, in order to be the best single mom I could be for my kids these unexpected events left me disoriented, fragile, and unable to help my kids when they need me the most. I wasn’t able to be the mom they wanted or needed me to be because I was spending all my time and energy just keeping the growing pile of ash from suffocating me and my kids.
Unfortunately, that meant my kid's lives remained terribly broken. Even though I could justify the reason I wasn’t able to help my kids, was because my ex-husband's actions continued to make it virtually impossible for me. It Didn’t Matter.
The bottom line was, my kids were suffering.
And they didn't want to hear any justifications. They didn’t want to hear any excuses.
They were facing the deep pain their Narcissistic Father was causing them and they certainly didn’t appreciate I couldn’t rise above my own pain to protect them. To help them. They needed me and I failed them. I couldn’t rise above the ash. It is really hard for a mom to admit they failed their kids. The guilt is absolutely overwhelming.
I hope one day my kids can forgive me. But, before that can happen. I will have to forgive myself first.